Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 6 months straight.
Run all of the piping and wires inside your house on the outside of
Pump 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your basement, then pump it
out, clean up, and paint the basement " deck gray. "
Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the
scummiest part of town, find the most run down, trashy bar you can,
$10 for a beer until you are hammered, then walk home in the freezing
Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower.
On Mondays. Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature up to
200 degrees, then on Tuesdays and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees.
Saturdays and Sundays declare to your entire family that they used too
much water during the week, so all showering is secured.
Raise your bed to within 36 inches of the ceiling.
Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5am and blow a
whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout, "Reveille,
reveille, all hands heave out."
Have you mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the
next day and read it to you.
Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for 3 days straight, then
lock the bathroom door for 12 hours, and hang a sign on it that reads
"secured, contact OA DIV at X-3053."
Submit a written request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's
o.k. for you to leave your house before 3pm.
Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, then board up
all the windows and doors to your house for 6 months. After 6
months is up,
take down the boards, and since you're on duty, wave at your
friends and family
through the front window of your home.... you can't leave until the
Shower with above mentioned friends.
Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home,
for example, become a dishwasher operator, blender technician etc...
Walk around your car for 4 hours and checking the tires pressure every
Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere. This
is to ensure your engine is properly " lit off "
Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway 3
times a day, whether they need it or not.
Repaint your entire house once a month.
Cook all of your food blindfolded, grabbing for any spice and seasoning
you can get your hands on. Now, chow down! you have 5 minutes....
Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month. losing every 5th
Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN
and the weather channel.
Have your 5 year old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.
Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.
Spend 2 weeks in the red-light districts of Europe and call it "world
" Needle gun " the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors
have gone to bed.
When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone,
and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack
them to man their battle stations.
Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you
are having steak for dinner. then make them wait in line for at least
hour, when they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are
out of steak,
but you have dried ham and hot dogs. repeat daily until they don't
attention to the menu anymore and they just ask for hot dogs.
In the middle of January, place a podium at the end of your driveway.
Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour
Lock yourself and your family in your house for 6 weeks. then tell
them that at the end of the 6th week, you're going to take them to
Disneyland for " weekend liberty ". when the end of the 6th week
rolls around, inform
them that Disneyland has been canceled due to the fact that they
need to get
ready for E-cert, and that it will be another week before they can